Ode to Hummingbirds and Squirrels

One of the best things about moving to a new country is seeing completely new places and new things. I have come to realize that we are often blinded to the beauty around us because we become too familiar, we have seen it all too often.

When I first arrived in New Jersey, Alan and I would take these walks around the neighborhood. Jackson is beautifully wooded and almost feels like being out in the country. On one of these walks I happened to spot a squirrel and I started to jump up and down. "Look,sweetheart it's a squirrel!!!" He looked at me as if I had two heads because for him squirrels were just a regular part of life but for me they were a fascination. In my country of New Zealand they just don't exist.

I know that I am belaboring the point but last night and this morning I was able to have new firsts. On our walk through this trail in Freehold I heard the sound of a woodpecker and got super excited again when I finally spotted it in the trees.  Sheer joy flowed through my veins. The picture I took does not do it justice but it will remind me of my first ever woodpecker sighting. On the way home, as if to emphasize the point, two magnificent deer bounded over the road in front of us, right through the front yards of these homes in Freehold. Yes, there are deer in New Zealand but I have never seen them in an urban setting the way they are here.

This morning, Alan yells at me to come real quick! And there it was hovering at the front door window, a tiny hummingbird. I didn't have time to capture him on film but what a thrill! It was worth it to rush away from what I was doing to capture this moment.

I hope that I can always see things with new eyes and stay excited. Life is too short to get so wound up on the mundane things and to miss the magical events. Keep your eyes peeled everyone!

Brambles and Dinner goodies

Which do you eat first on your plate: the nicest bits and then leave the less tasty until the end? Or do you save the best food until last? How you eat your food may say a great deal about your approach to life. I was wondering whether our food order preference could reveal whether we have a tendency to procrastinate in our life. I can definitely remember as a child that I put the food I didn't like to one side of the plate and concentrated on the good stuff. Eventually however, I was forced to face the food that was not my favorite, not so enjoyable! This habit has now been reversed as an adult and I leave the best bits until last.

I thought about this principle again in the weekend in another context. Alan and I were out in the back garden on Saturday where there is quite a forest of trees. Over the years in successive storms, limbs have fallen off, whole trees have crashed and the floor of the forest is littered with logs hidden under the very thick carpet of fallen leaves. I had begun to drag some of the logs into one corner of the forest for eventual disposal when I kept getting struck by masses of brambles that attached themselves to my legs and arms.  They were all over the ground and then they had created a curtain as they climbed up some of the living trees. I had a decision to make. Either I continued to drag those logs through the obstacles or I stop and take care of the brambles first. The brambles didn't seem as fun as the logs. They were a twisted, horrible mess of prickly vines.  I made the decision that the brambles had to go so that I had an obstacle free path to achieving the rest of the work.

I was right in that it was not a fun experience with my scratched arms and lower legs evidencing that the brambles put up quite the fight. There is still more to do to clear them completely but by the end of the day there was a real sense of accomplishment as I saw the obstacles begin to melt before my clippers.

There was also some sense of team work that came into play as Alan suggested we work on them together. We pulled the brambles out of the trees first and then Alan pulled them away from me with the rake so that I was able to cut at the roots quickly. In the end the very defense mechanism of the bramble became its own means of destruction. Once the roots were cut, it was easy to pull all the brambles out with the rake because they became entangled in their own thorns. Working like this enabled us to speedily clear a large section and it looked great afterward.

It is interesting that in life we often seem to come across obstacles in our life and we do all we can to avoid dealing with them. Our society tells us to play hard, enjoy life at full speed, self-satisfaction is king.  More than ever before I believe that people are looking for the easy way out so that obstacles can be avoided or at least we put off dealing with them. Addictions are one example where we put off dealing with the obstacles or the difficult bits in our life. ‘Let’s numb out and focus on the fun bits rather than confronting our challenges head on’.

Like the brambles however, the longer that we leave certain challenges the more difficult that they become. What started out as a few minor difficulties in the beginning can end up being one large tangled mess that is hard to unravel. Relationship problems between family members, for example, often grow in significance if not attended to as soon as possible. I have witnessed so many people seek help for their relationship issues once the entangled mess is just too large to manage and they are being wounded at every turn.   How much easier it would have been to have attacked the problems when they were small.

I also learned something else from my bramble encounter. It is so much easier to deal with challenges in our life when we enlist the help of someone else, when we work as a team to resolve them: someone in our community circles, a friend, a parent, a family member, a spouse. Facing challenges with someone makes the job that much easier and frankly so much more fun.

Just Keep Swimming-Dealing with Emotional Pain

I heard this wonderful analogy many years ago that has always impressed me. This is how it went:

There was an experiment with this fish tank. At first the fish were given free reign of the whole fish tank and happily swam round and round having no restrictions. Then one day the experimenters inserted a glass wall right in the middle of the tank. The fish were shocked to discover that their movement was restricted as they butted their noses against the new obstacle. After having crashed into the unfamiliar glass wall a few times they began to register that their circumstances had changed and they changed their swimming patterns to suit the smaller space accordingly. They avoided the pain of butting their noses by carefully turning just before reaching the new barrier. 

The experimenters then did something interesting. They removed the glass wall in the middle of the aquarium. Predictably perhaps, the fish did not realize that the barrier was no longer there and that they could use the entire tank again. Bizarrely they continued to swim in the same restricted way as if the glass barrier were still there. If those fish had just tested their boundaries regularly and taken the risk for a little temporary pain they might have discovered that their territory had expanded so much further.

This concept impressed me. Although it was intended as a message to never give up, to keep pushing boundaries in achieving our goals, I have seen other insights in this metaphor. I have watched people who have been emotionally hurt who have placed the equivalent of the glass barrier into their lives as a form of protection from being re-hurt. These barriers have been important ways of self-preservation at the time, to give the body and the emotions time to heal and to adjust to new realities: a divorce, abuse from a loved one, the death of someone close, the loss of a cherished job. So many reasons for emotional pain exist in our lives and often we react with building a protective barrier around ourselves.

A problem occurs when we keep living behind these walls that we have created for ourselves, long after they need to exist. We find ourselves swimming in our smaller tank and losing out on the opportunities of enlarging our lives, trying new territories.  

Emotional pain can feel very physical at times and certainly can be frightening in its intensity. Our initial reaction to run or hide from it, while understandable, can trap us and halt our personal development.  The very walls that we have built to protect ourselves from being re-hurt become our personal, self-inflicted jails. We hold people at a distance from us as a form of self-defense but that also means that we have lost the opportunities for connection and intimacy. When we suppress our negative emotions we also suppress all our positive emotions. 

What to do? When we allow ourselves to sit in our emotional pain, to express our negative feelings clearly and safely, when we give ourselves permission to be angry or sad or frustrated then we will walk through the emotional difficulties and we will find ourselves on the other side. Each time we allow ourselves to do this we become strengthened emotionally. We can rightfully say to ourselves, “You know what? I survived the last heart wrenching time and came out OK. I can do this again!” Learning to express our negative emotions and not sit on them allows us to gain personal confidence and emotional self-reliance. By contrast, when we self-medicate to avoid feeling that emotional hurt or we run away, we paradoxically take longer to heal. In other words, we feel the pain less intensely but it will last so much longer and will begin to affect the relationships around us.  

In the immortal words of Dory in 'Finding Nemo': 

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?

Marlin: No I don't wanna know.

Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Fallen Trees and Roots

While I was out walking this morning I was reminded of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy in my neighborhood in New Jersey. While the homes in Jackson were largely unscathed there was a tremendous loss of trees. As I saw these majestic, very large trees fallen onto the forest floor I noticed something fascinating. Those trees that had not withstood the storm had very shallow root systems, roots that were unable to sustain the size of the tree when the storm hit. I asked my husband why such large trees in this area had not grown significant root systems. His answer was revealing to me. He said that because there was so much rainfall in Jackson, the soil was always moist and the trees did not have to grow deep roots to get nourished.

This made me think about how this applied to us as individually as people, in our relationships with others and in our working life on an emotional level. I could see some parallels and messages. As with these trees, when life is good we tend to forge forwards and upwards without even thinking. Life is good so why question it? The question is, if the storms of life hit us will we be able to withstand them?

It appears from the illustration of the fallen trees that those trees whose ground is not so fertile have had to grow their roots very deep in order to reach the water. Could it be that trials or difficulties cause us as humans to do the same? It is in the face of difficulties that we have to dig deep within ourselves for the resources to overcome, to get through them. Each time that we face and overcome a difficulty successfully, it results in greater confidence in our abilities and the beginnings of a tool box to deal with the next trials. Our difficulties then are part of our preparation for future trials. The ‘roots’ of our emotional self-reliance grow stronger and more secure.

Society is constantly sending us messages to try and find the easy way out of everything, to cushion the blows. We are in a society where we try and medicate all of our pain, not just physical but emotional too. In our parenting, many are trying to wrap their children in cotton wool to protect them from all harm. Are we in fact doing these children more harm by preventing them from having growing experiences; preventing them from learning from their mistakes by trying to create the perfect  environment? How can we, our children, our husbands and wives know that we can withstand a real storm in our lives if we keep protecting ourselves along the way?

I am not suggesting that we allow children to walk freely on the road or place themselves purposely in harm’s way. I am not even suggesting that we invite hard times or difficulties. Life will do that all by itself without our additional help. I am suggesting that we teach ourselves and those we love to walk into the fear, to walk into the trials without turning sideways or running away. Just imagine how strong as a people we would be if we let this happen! 

Fear and Love

Although I was initally worried about being a therapist again after so many years away from the profession, through the work I did in France I  began to see things with a new set of eyes. It became clearer all the time that there are some common elements in the difficulties people are facing and in the way they are reacting.

A wise friend told me in these past few weeks that there are two main emotions that drive most of what we do: Love and Fear. I have this favorite saying of mine that says "A heart filled with love has no room for discouragement, doubt, fear, hatred, vengeance, envy, lust or greed, because a heart full of love is full." (Elder Spencer J. Condie). 


What I have discovered is that when fear enters the equation then so does the need to control. They go together. For example, when a husband is fearful that his wife is not going to be attentive enough he may demand it and seek ways to control his wife so that she is 'present'. Perhaps there are the parents who are frightened that their teenagers will get themselves into difficulty and so impose a strict amount of control or extra rules in order to soothe their fears. There is the abuse victim who has been the victim of someone imposing an unwanted action on their lives. Often these victims play out their lives in fear from this point, trying to control who can access their hearts and minds to ensure that the abuse does not re-occur. 

And yet it is this very desire to control that destroys relationships and maintains barriers between us. I view the desire to control in some form or other to be at the root of almost all relationship difficulties, whether in the home, at work or in social situations. This includes when we shut others out with our silence or our absence. It is all a form of control.

If we want true happiness then we need to be willing to let go of the desire to control and operate from a different perspective, a whole new paradigm. We trust, we motivate, we encourage, we love, we have faith, we forgive. Those actions are the exact opposite of control and fear. These opposites are spiritual in nature and have been in place since before the world began when the adversary wanted to take our free agency from us. His plan was the ultimate control where we would be forced to be obedient. Our Savior replied with an offer of love and sacrifice and we each replied in trust and faith by accepting the Lord's offer.

And so faith is the opposite of fear. The desire to control others is the opposite of trust and love. We need to decide which side we are on and build upon true principles. 

Submitting our will

Today I happened to teach a lesson in Young Women's that touched on a subject which has filled my thoughts these past few weeks. In this lesson I received the answer to my question about how far we are to go in submitting our will to the Lord's will. The answer in following the Saviour's example is clear: ALL THE WAY, NO HOLDS BARRED. Through this particular blog I wanted to share two extracts that have been fundamental to who I am. 


So this is the extract from the Young Women's lesson today that spoke to me. It is by Elder Marion G. Romney:

“During my early teens a small book or pamphlet titled ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ came into my hands. …The question posed epitomized the desire I had had from my Childhood.  Countless times as I have faced challenges and vexing decisions I have asked myself ‘What would Jesus do?’ … As I pondered [that] question [I turned] to the scriptures in search of the answer. There in the Gospel as recorded by St. John, I found the clear and certain answer:  Jesus would always do the will of his Father. This he himself repeatedly declared ‘… I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these things.

“‘And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.’ … (John 7:15, 16, 18; 8:26, 28, 29; 10:30)..... Having learned that Jesus would always do the will of his Father, my next objective was to find out what Jesus would do to ascertain

the will of his Father. Searching the New Testament, I discovered that one thing he did was to thoroughly familiarize himself with what his Fatherhad declared his will to be, as recorded in the Old Testament. That he did this is evidenced by the fact that in his statements as recorded in the New Testament, Jesus quoted or cited scriptures from the Old Testament more than one hundred times.

“Finally, and most importantly, I learned that he communed constantly with his Father through prayer. This he did not only to learn the will of his Father but also to obtain the strength to do his Father’s will. He fasted and prayed. … It would seem that during his earthly ministry he never made a major decision or met a crisis without praying [see Matthew 4:2;Luke 4:2; 6:12,13; Matthew 26:39; Luke 22:42, 44]. 

“Relying upon the foregoing and companion scriptures, I decided in my youth that for me the best approach to the solution of problems and the resolving of questions would be to proceed as Jesus proceeded: foster an earnest desire to do the Lord’s will; familiarize myself with what the Lord has revealed on the matters involved; pray with diligence and faith for an inspired understanding of his will and the courage to do it. …“The most satisfying solutions to problems and the best answers to questions that I have been able to make in my own life, I have arrived at as follows:

“1. From my youth I have searched the scriptures.

“2. I have tried to honestly face the challenge or question presented with asincere desire to solve it as Jesus would solve it.

“3. I have, through diligent study and prayer, sought to weigh alternatives in light of what I knew about gospel principles.

“4. I have made a decision in my own mind.

“5. I have then taken the matter to the Lord, told him the problem, told him that I wanted 

to do what was right in his view, and asked him to give me peace of mind if I have made 

the right decision” 

(“What Would Jesus Do?” New Era, Sept. 1972, pp. 4–6).

In addition to this talk, I have as my favourite talk one by Elder Neal A Maxwell called, 'Consecrate They Performance' (April 2002). While the talk as a whole is pretty incredible (https://lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/consecrate-thy-performance?lang=eng&query=consecrate+thy+performance) this is an extract from that talk:

"We tend to think of consecration only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).

Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement: “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” (Mosiah 5:13)."

 and again:

"In striving for ultimate submission, our wills constitute all we really have to give God anyway. The usual gifts and their derivatives we give to Him could be stamped justifiably “Return to Sender,” with a capital S .Even when God receives this one gift in return, the fully faithful will receive “all that [He] hath” (D&C 84:38). What an exchange rate!.....

Breathtaking submissiveness was achieved by the Savior as He faced the anguish and agonies of the Atonement and “would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink” (D&C 19:18). On our small, imperfect scale, we face tests and wish that these would somehow be taken away.

Consider this: What of Jesus’ ministry if He had performed additional miracles but without the transcending miracle of Gethsemane and Calvary? His other miracles brought blessed extensions of life and lessened suffering—for some. But how could these miracles possibly compare with the greatest miracle of the universal Resurrection? (see 1 Cor. 15:22). The multiplying of the loaves and fishes fed a hungry multitude. Even so, recipients were soon hungry again, while those who partake of the Bread of Life will never hunger again (see John 6:51, 58).

In pondering and pursuing consecration, understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, “My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!

Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving “all that [God] hath” (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His “all” until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His “all” be fully appreciated by the partially committed."

I re-state in terms as clearly as I can that I seek to submit all that I have and all that I am to the will of the Lord, that I am prepared to go where He sends me, do what He asks of me and be what He wants me to be. I can't pretend that I am perfect at this but it is my goal and my heartfelt desire. My hope is that the Lord will give me the strength to do this even in the face of times when it is difficult and I don't feel up to the challenge.

Skiing-Lessons of a 15yr old

Skiing has been on my mind a great deal this week. For some reason my mind has been flooded with memories of a skiing trip I took as a very keen 15 old year old to Queenstown, New Zealand. I might add it was the only one in my life given that I discovered that skiing was not my thing.  Looking back on it however, I have realised that I learned a great deal on that trip.

My friend and I took skiing lessons and I dutifully followed this German skiing instructor onto the snow feeling very excited and nervous. I tried so hard to apply his instructions but my nervousness did not make a good listener of me. 

We began with the “poma lift” which was a disk or seat attached to a bar which in turn was attached to a pulley to take the skier up the mountain. (See the picture and no that is not me lol but it looks round the right era.) The instructor was at pains to tell us NOT to sit on the disk but merely to place it between our legs, hold onto the pole with one hand and let it take us up. At the same time he instructed us to get off the lift two major poles up the mountain. Do you know it was just instinct each time I put that disk between my legs to sit on it, with the result that it threw me off every time. I did this not once, not twice but about a dozen times before I was able to train my head to not sit on it and I proudly went off on my skis up the hill, holding onto that bar for dear life.

I had been so worried about getting the lift right that I forgot where to get off and as we climbed higher I began to panic about going too far. Sure enough, after one and half poles up the hill I decided it was time to get off and headed off-straight down this very, very steep slope and onto the rocks below. How I didn’t kill myself I actually don’t know. The instructor, by this time very frustrated with me, yelled as he went past, “I told you to go 2 poles up!!!!!” The entire class skied down to me so that they were able to get me off the rocks. I was too relieved to be embarrassed but that moment was still coming!

Trying to concentrate really hard on the instructions this time, I heard the instructor tell us that if we kept our skis straight ahead then we would pick up speed. “Get the feeling of the speed of the skis” he encouraged us. I once again concentrated really hard on what he was saying and applied it very literally. I kept those skis straight ahead and down that slope I went, picking up speed very rapidly.  I felt like I was flying! Suddenly I realised that I had not heard the instructions on how to slow down, let alone to stop. I guess I was philosophical about it because I just kept going until finally I skied right into a very large bank of snow from which the class members had to lift me out with my skis in the air and my head in the snow. 

Needless to say I left one VERY exasperated German instructor on that mountain.  I sometimes giggle now when I think about how bad I was but there were some clear lessons in my head at the same time.  Firstly, instinct is not all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes we need to make a huge effort to overcome what our bodies are telling us to achieve our ends. In spiritual terms I see this as the mastery of the spirit over the flesh. 

Secondly, I learned not to give up. After the first 5 or 6 times on that poma it would have been easy to just go back down the mountain. My desire to go up that mountain kept me going. My goal to arrive in front of my Heavenly Father having completed all of those tasks He has asked of me keeps me trying, and trying again knowing that I will get it right one day.

Panic or impatience usually leads us to make our own decisions and not follow the directions of the instructor and will lead us onto the rocks below. When the Lord gives me instructions then I hope I have learned to be obedient, even when they are not easy or not logical. At the same time I learned the importance of following ALL the instructions and not just part of them. In the gospel there are some commandments and some instructions that are easier to follow than others. But I am very clear that the Lord expects me to work on all of them or a rescue mission might be needed. Of course I make more mistakes than I care to admit and so I am grateful for the patient instructor in Christ who comes and lifts me off the rocks when I make a wrong turn.  

The incident of low-flying on my skis told me that when I do follow instructions I follow them with all my heart, holding nothing of myself back. I have many weaknesses but this is one characteristic about myself that I like and I don’t want to change it. I see my move to France very much like my brief, exhilarating ski at full speed, not knowing how to stop. Although it may be foolhardy not knowing how these adventures will end, I do know that the Lord himself has instructed me to give it my all and to feel the excitement of his spirit as I travel on this voyage. He knows my character which is much the same as that 15yr old.  I have 100% faith in him as my instructor. Even if /when I fall, I know that He will be there to dig me out. I found this quote recently which tells it all. I have taken the leap and I am building my wings on the way down. No better way to go.